Author: Elena

I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.

Broken Heart

Heartbreaks are about as messy as they come. Heartbreaks are never simple or easy. They are super complex and hard to understand sometimes. In Demi’s book for today’s entry she talks about heart break. Now, I know that we have all been through a heart break. It does not matter how big or small it is/was, it still hurts. However, whenever our heart gets broken it has taught us a thing or two. We all learn different things from heartbreak. Like I said before, getting heartbroken hurts, but it is also a time of healing and self reflection.

Demi points out that it can be caused either by someone or something. The goal for today’s entry is to “Think about someone or something that broke your heart and then think about how that made you change and grow for the better.” I am forever thankful for the people and things that broke my heart for many reasons. They have taught me to be a better person and taught me that it is okay to have high standards. They have also taught me to have my guard up and that it is okay to say no. I can go on and on about what else heartbreak has taught me, but that list will go on forever.

There are some important things to remember about heartbreak. The first thing is that no matter what happens, someone or something will get broken. I remember having a conversation with my mom and I have told her that I will never break anybody’s heart (I think we had this conversation after my first boyfriend broke up with me) and she turned to me and said “At some point you are going break someone’s heart.” I have looked back at that conversation and realized how true that turned out to be. The second thing to know about heartbreak is that no matter how much it hurts, you will come out of it on the other side. The third thing to know about heartbreak is that it is all about you. Even if you broke someone (or something) else’s heart.

Heartbreak can turn out to be a very traumatic process, so take as much time as you need after a heartbreaking situation. People can try to tell you how to get over a heartbreak, but until they have been through something just as tragic and sad, they do not know what it is like. I have to admit that heartbreak has definitely inspired me and my poetry writing. I am 24 years old and I have been through a lot of heartbreak over the years. This poem goes out to all of the people who have gotten their heart broken many times and have used it as a lesson learned. I know heartbreak can sometimes take us to a dark place, but we have shown time and time again how imperfect things can be sometimes.

Learning

Flawless and beautiful
I am not. I have cracks
And my love is not bountiful.
It comes in shades of blacks,
Grey and blue. It is so rare
And filled with gaping holes.
I will make a promise and swear
That the soles
Of my feet will stop
Digging through the dirt
And sand. I will mop
Up and avert
My eyes away from
The mess ups. I will start
To feel less glum
And my heart
Will be less dark.
The light will come in.
I will leave my mark
Behind. I will not forget my sin.
My mistakes will not be tossed away.
I will not get myself burned
Anymore. The pathway
Will lead to my lesson learned.

International Women’s Day

It’s March, which means it’s National Women’s Month, but today, March 8th is especially important because it is International Women’s Day. So happy International Women’s Day to the women who are a part of my life and to all the women across the world. We should celebrate women every day because we’re just as important as everybody else. We are all strong and we have fought for equality for many years. May we continue fighting.

All the women, especially my mother, inspire me each and every day. Regardless if it’s your mother, an aunt, a grandmother or another woman you look up to, tell her how much you admire and appreciate her. I wouldn’t be here without my mom and all of the women in my life. They have taught me to be strong, resilient, to never give up and to keep going no matter what. So thank you for all that you have done for me and for making me into the young woman I am today.

I know that we are taught to find our soul mate or to rely on a man, but my mom as well as some of my other role models like Demi, Mandy and Beyoncé have taught me to never rely on a man. I remember my mom saying that your whole life shouldn’t revolve around them. In other words, she is saying to keep going on without them and that you should not center your life around them. I am not trying to hate on guys in a general sense because I know some of them are wonderful and amazing, but we shouldn’t always have to try super hard to please them. This poem is for all the women across the world. May you girls (and women) continue to be strong, independent and always fight for what you believe in no matter what.

For All The Girls

This goes to the girl who

Always holds her head up high.

This goes to the girl who is strong.

This goes to the girl who cried.

This goes to the girl who gets

Mad. This goes to the girl who

Thinks she doesn’t deserve love.

This goes to the girl who has

Been through heartbreaks. This

Goes to the girl who doesn’t need

Or want a man. This goes to the girl

Who depends on herself and is

Independent. This goes to the girl who

Feels alone and lonely. This goes to

The girl who breaks downs and

Falls apart. This goes to the girl who

Goes for the wrong guy. This goes

To the girl who feels the pressure.

We are all those girls and many more.

We stand together and we fight.

We fight to keep on going and to keep

Pushing. We will fight to love

The right person. We will fight

To make sure we are truly happy.

Hanging On Vs. Letting Go

First of all, I want to talk about one of my new heroes, Mandy Hale (for a moment or two here). I highly recommend two of her books (both of which I have read). “I’ve Never Been to Vegas, but My Luggage Has: Mishaps and Miracles on the Road to Happily Ever After” and “The Single Woman’s Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On.” Both of those books are witty and humorous at times, but they also made me cry. I want to focus more on her book about letting go and moving on because that is the theme of this post.

I used to date this guy and he was my first boyfriend. For the longest time ever, I hung onto a poem I wrote to him, pretty much declaring my feelings for him. When we broke up I hung onto that piece of paper because he wrote something on it. Part of does not know why I hung onto it for all of those years. I finally got the courage to tear it up and throw it away in the trash. It was my own way of finally moving on. I have talked about getting hung up on past and how we cannot be stuck there forever. It is important to remember things from the past, but at the same time it is important to move forward with our lives.

Letting go and moving on are a couple of things that are hard to do no matter what. Some friendships and relationships come to an end at some point because they simply are not the same any more. Some of them just come to an end and we do not always know why. We have all been there, where something comes to an end and we do not know what to do. We can try to hang onto those memories or we can try to move on with our lives. We have memories and mementos from that relationship, whether they are pictures or stuffed animals or letters.

Hale has a section in her book about what to do with all of those items once you have ended that relationship. She suggests to put those things away and deal with them at some other time when the hurt goes away. It is true, we all get hurt. I am sorry, but it just happens that way. It may hurt now, but that cannot last forever. Hale talks about this whole idea of “out of sight and out of mind.” It sounds a lot better in theory than it does in real life, but that motto is worth trying out. That whole idea inspired this poem that I am sharing.

Forgetting

Clinging and holding onto

Something until your hands

Start to hurt is no good.

You need to let some of

The memories and

Moments go. Do not let them

Have power over you and

What you hang onto.

You may want to set them

On fire or delete them from

Your phone or return or

Give them back, but that is

Not the right thing to do.

You can delete those messages

All you want. You can tear your

Love notes all you want, but

Do not throw away things that

Were parts of your relationship.

Although they hurt to look at

They mean a lot to you.

Put them away in boxes that

Go into your closet or under

Your bed or into your head

And heart. They may be

Forgotten, but they will be there

When the hurt lessens and when

You are more ready to deal

With it all. Some things are

Hard to forget.

Changes

Hey everybody, I am back. Sorry… I have just been dealing with 101 million things on my plate these days. I wanted to talk about changes because I know we all have changes in our life, whether it is moving to a new place or going from one thing to another. Whatever that change is, it does not always have to be bad. Those changes could be big or they can be small. When I think of changes I think of something like transitions because changes and transitions are very similar to one another.

Demi says “Courage to change” in her book and that is so true. It does take courage to change because change, like everything else is sometimes very scary. When you make a change it can be exhilarating and makes you feel free. So go ahead and make changes. It does not matter if it is changing your hair, your style, your eating habits or moving to a new place to get a change of scenery, getting rid of people or having more people in your life. I do not want to dwell too much on the previous year (2015) too much because one of my mottos is to not dwell on the past. However, 2015 has brought me a lot of changes. Here is to hoping 2016 will do the same. Do not make those changes to be like someone else because you are unique and beautiful just the way you are. My poem points out that change is sometimes difficult, but it is worth it in the end. Just remember that too.

Changing Over Time

Sometimes people change

Slowly over time and

Other times they change

Right away in front of you.

You change too. When you

Look in the mirror and

Realize that you’re

Different too. You’re not

A little caterpillar, but

A butterfly spreading your

Wings and learning to fly.

You’ve developed and have

Made changed.

You’re a beautiful and

Majestic creature, but

The changes were often

Difficult and hard.

You make your own

Decisions and choices

In life.

Valentine’s Day and Spreading Love

It’s February 14th, which means it’s Valentine’s Day! I want to wish everybody (whether you are in a relationship or single) a happy Valentine’s Day. I do not want to get all sappy (and some of you many not want to hear it) so I won’t. There’s this stigma around Valentine’s Day, saying that it is a holiday for couples only. What about all the single people? You shouldn’t feel bad for being single (it isn’t anybody’s fault). Forget about going out to a fancy dinner or getting chocolate or getting flowers. Forget about wallowing around and watching reruns on TV. It’s not so much about going all out or doing too little.

Spending Valentine’s Day alone isn’t the end of the world. Valentine’s Day is about spreading love, happiness, and laughter. Spend time with your friends or do something fun or give back in some way. You deserve it. To spread some cheer (especially for those around this holiday who are down in the dumps) here is a poem 0r two to cheer you up. This is about that special someone who is either a friend, a family member or something more than that. Whoever that person is, it does not matter. That “special” person could even be yourself. Whatever you are doing on this holiday (or whoever you are spending this holiday with) just remember that you are never alone (no matter how alone you feel sometimes). Lots of love to you all. Treasure those special moments. Everybody is special and beautiful (you don’t need other people to remind you of that), but here’s a reminder for you just in case.

Our Hands

With our hands linked together

Our touches became light as a feather,

Although your hands are callused from

The harsh winter. I don’t feel so numb

Anymore. It’s a sign of comfort

And I start to wonder

If this is what peace feels like?

Although I can see that we’re alike,

I ponder if we’re just lucky.

This moment feels lovely.

It’s no longer about claiming

Territory or about taking

Anything. It’s about our connection

And spark. It’s something special.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I want to keep it all furled.

Nobody can touch this, even in silence.

To you I’m a diamond

Because I am so beautiful

And this is one thing we can control.

Friends or whatever

We are, we can endeavor

Anything as long as we are

Intertwined and follow the North Star.

There we will find our harmony.

There lies our dreams and destiny.

Scars and Wounds

“I think scars are like battle wounds – beautiful in a way. They show what you’ve been through and how strong you are for coming out of it.” That quote comes from Demi’s book and entry about scars. If we really think about it, a lot of us do have scars. I know people automatically think of physical scars (like Demi talks a little bit about in her book), but they don’t always have to be physical. They can also be scars we can’t see and that are on the inside.

Demi is right about scars being beautiful. I know they may not always look or feel pretty because they may look ugly or whatnot. That doesn’t matter. What Demi is trying to say is that scars show that you survived and you made it through although someone/something tried to hurt you (even if that someone is yourself). You made it through the other side. I know it’s hard showing our scars to other people (especially to those we care about), but it’s worthwhile in the end because like I said before we almost all have some type of scar. It’s what unites us together. Some scars take longer to heal than others because they are inflicted so much deeper and sometimes it’s harder to forget the pain. That’s why scars are so personal and make us feel vulnerable. Every scar and story is different.

Demi points out that our scars have shaped us in some way (maybe as the person we’ve become today because of them). So here’s to everybody who has scars. Here’s a couple of poems I’ve written about this subject matter because I have scars too (probably not as drastic as what other people have). So here’s to everybody who has scars, whether they’re physical or deep down inside you. Scars should be seen in a better light and should not always have a negative stigma attached to them. Be proud of your scars because they have gotten you here.

Scars and Wounds

There are scars that are invisible

To the outside world like

Self-inflicted wounds and

Battle scars, but there are also

Scars that are below the skin

That are invisible to the rest

Of the world. I’m the only one

Who can see and feel them

Everyday. The invisible scars

Come to show that only I know

What I’ve been through.

The rest of the world doesn’t

Have to ask if I’m okay.

They don’t have to pretend

Like they can’t see the

Wounds and scars.

The wounds and scars don’t

Always heal, but they’re still

A part of the past. They made

Me stronger than whatever

Or whoever tried to hurt me.

So I should be proud that

I made it through and to remind

Myself that my story isn’t over.

 

Scars

They say you wouldn’t make it

And that you’ll die before

You get to the very top.

You’re still here, aren’t you?

And where are they?

They are still stuck at

The bottom and still can’t

Make it past the first step.

Although they’ve

Fought every day and

Have the scars on their skin

To prove it, they don’t

Know what it’s like to have

Ones on the inside where

They’re invisible. They have

The physical scars for

Everybody to see, but

What about the ones on the inside?

You can’t show them your scars

Because they don’t know what

It’s like. They think you’re lying

Because they can’t see anything.

It’s not about seeing the scars,

It’s about feeling them.

The scars on the outside will

Fade and heal, but the ones

On the inside are still there.

They are a reminder that

You’re fighting battles

Everyday just like everyone else.

Whether you fought something

Physical or emotional,

It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that

You survived and

Made it through life.

We’re all survivors.

Bullies and Haters

We have all dealt with bullies at some point in our lives and a lot of us still deal with them to this very day. I don’t think there’s any specific definition for bullies because they come in all shapes and forms. They’re the mean girls who make fun of you. They’re the ones who take your lunch money. They’re emotional and sometimes physically abusive. They appear, disappear and reappear again. Another word that I think that is associated with bully is the word or term “hater.” Taylor Swift most famously uses it in her song “Shake It Off.” It’s a term used in pop culture when people are hating on other people. Why are bullies and why do they do such mean things? Nobody knows for sure because they may have insecurities of their own or they just hate other people just because.

Whatever the reason is behind the bullying, we won’t know for sure. I’ve dealt with bullies myself. I got teased a lot because I was the “smart” girl. I got good grades and mostly stayed out of trouble. I was also teased for the way I looked. I always had curly hair and glasses. People used to call me names like Shaggy (from Scooby Doo) and Napoleon (in terms of the movie “Napoleon Dynamite” which was popular when I was in school). I know people meant that to be funny, but it still all hurt a lot. I tried to speak up but not a lot of people heard me. I was (and I still am) the quiet and shy girl. You may think to yourself that doesn’t sound too bad, what  I dealt with, and that’s true. I’m sure a lot of other people had it a lot worse than I did.

Some people might say that there’s nothing to be done to stop bullying. That may be true in some cases, but there’s almost always something to do about it in most cases. Sometimes it’s just as simple as speaking up. Sometimes it’s better saying something (to the bully or to a teacher or to a boss) than saying nothing at all. Demi talks about this in her book. I wish a lot more people spoke up about bullying incidents when I was in school (and I wish I did it more myself). It’s never too late. Bullies are weak and try to put you down to make them feel better about themselves. Don’t give them that power to do that.

Believe it or not, bullying is hurtful. As much as I’ve dealt with it in school, I’ve also dealt with it in the real world and in the theatre world. There are always people who think they’re better than you. They think they can push you around and get away with things, but don’t let them think that. Speak up for yourself and be an advocate. You should be saying enough is enough. On that thought, I’m sharing a poem in the hopes we can show those bullies and haters who’s boss. In the end, we should try to better than those bullies. You’re you (as Demi says). People either hate you or love you for who you are. So be you and be better than those who try to bring you down.

You’re You

Words are thrown at you like weapons.

They don’t always feel so pleasant.

They feel like deep cuts to the soul.

They can put you in a black hole.

You say nothing in the hopes that

It all goes away. You need to shut

It all out. They shouldn’t affect you.

You are meant to shine through

Everything and rise on top.

They will all just drop

And fade away. They aren’t going

Anywhere. You’re showing

Them you’re going places.

All of those faces

And bullies project their insecurities

Onto you. They are hypocrisies

And should swallow their own words

When you are flying towards

Something beyond what they thought.

Freedom and success is what you sought.

Don’t let those people put you in retreat.

Make your own heartbeat.

Make them realize you’re courageous.

You’re moving on up to achieve greatness.

The Past – Letting Go

The past… It’s a topic we all know and talk about on a daily basis. Demi talks about it and Mandy Hale (another one of my role models) talks about it. They talk about it in similar ways, which is to learn from the past and remember that you are where you need to be now.  I know I’m guilty talking about the past and I know a lot of people are too. There’s no need to be super guilty about talking about it. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Talking about the past is like talking to an old friend or someone you just reconnected with recently. You may reminisce and catch up. It’s also like talking to someone new. You want to remember things in your childhood or good memories from school. However, there is a reason why it’s called the past. It has already happened and that’s where you need to leave it.

The past comes in many forms like previous jobs and previous experiences. Most of the time the past comes in the form in people and certain situations. In terms of people, there are past relationships with family, romantic partners, friends, and with other people you loved (or people who you were close with). In terms of certain situations, there are both good and bad things that happened. There are things that are good and there are things that happened that you want to completely forget about. Some people need to realize that certain people may not want to talk about their past because it was dark and/or not so good. That’s perfectly okay. The things you learn from your past are lessons learned. We all constantly make mistakes and that’s perfectly okay. You’re taking those mistakes/lessons and applying them as you move on in life. That moving on is to your present and future where you should be living. What I mean is that you should be living in the present but trying not to obsess too much about the past or future.

I know in this poem I’m posting down below talks about the past in terms of people, but this poem can be open to interpretation. Whether it has to do with people or things or whatever happened in your past, it doesn’t matter. All that I know is that we all have a past and that what connects us together. The past is sometimes painful, but it doesn’t always have to be. We have to take a look at our pasts, remembering both the good and the bad aspects.

In The Past

Take a breath

And let it go.

The past is in

The past.

The tears and

Sobs lodged

In the back

Of your throat

Don’t matter

Anymore.

They can’t hurt

You anymore.

They can’t bring

You down anymore.

They’re just people

And words that

Pretend to care.

That’s why they

Don’t change

And morph into

Something positive.

They stay negative

And bad. Ignore them.

That chapter is in

The past. All you

Can do is leave it all

In the past. Leave the

Baggage behind,

But never forget

What they have taught

You.

 

P.S. I wanted to add this quote, since I think it is relevant to this blog post. “Starting today, I need to forget what’s gone. Appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next.”

Control

As Demi points out in her book and it’s also something I’ve been thinking about too, we all have the need to be in control. I’m not sure if it’s something we crave just because or if there’s a deeper meaning behind this whole idea of control. When I think of the word  “control” I think of something as simple as when I’m watching TV with my parents and someone has “control” over the remote when we’re watching. We may argue over who has the remote, who controls the volume, and who controls the channel (or content). Another word for control might be domination or something a bit over the top. I know control is hard to give up sometimes, it’s like giving up your power. However, giving up control doesn’t make you weak. Whether you’re in control or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s okay to feel out of control because that’s how life goes. Life can’t always be planned and is always in constant change.

I know I’ve said it’s okay to give up that control. Sometimes you have to hand it over to other people or just let it go in general. However, sometimes you have to be very careful who you hand that control over to. There are some people who have your best interests at heart, but there are those who you shouldn’t give that control to. One thing to always remember is to never let anybody have control over your life. It’s called your life for a reason because it’s yours and nobody else’s. Plans go hand in hand with control. Plans change all the time and that’s also okay. I am still learning to let things go and let things happen the way they do. Here’s to letting go of some of our control and not all of it.

Control

We wish we could relinquish control

But we have the need to uphold

Our fear and to hold

On for dear life. Otherwise the panic

Will set in and we’ll feel the manic

In our bones. We need to look at the panoramic

View and get rid of the anxiety.

Otherwise we’ll just hang onto the ivy.

We have to be in touch with our psyche.

Some things are hard to predict

Like feelings which are hard to admit.

If we go down to the stripped

And raw soul we can let go

Of the life we planned. The flow

Will always shift to and fro.

We can never change that but we

Have the power to see

And believe

That things happen for a reason.

Control can be like demons,

They can leave you screaming

Inside your head. Sometimes

It’s just easier to cross those lines

And to say those goodbyes.

P.S. Here’s the revised version of the above poem, with a little help from one of my friends. It has the same title as before.

Relinquish fear and hold
on for dear life. Otherwise panic
sets in and we’ll feel
manic in our bones.

Look to the panoramic view.
Anxiety winds round
us like ivy.
Touch the inner psyche.

Danger hard to predict.
Insecurities hard to admit.
Reveal the stripped soul and let go.
Float with the changes of the flow.

Control the demons inside.
Cross those lines.
Do what’s right:
say goodbyes.

Always Follow and Listen to Your Heart

I remember a while back ago I watched a movie on Neflix, appropriately titled “Listen to Your Heart.” It’s a real tear jerker for anybody who wants to get into a sappy but romantic movie. Of course there’s also a song by the same name by D.H.T. (an old song, but still good). People always seem to give me and other people advice on listening to their hearts. Sometimes there is a difference between listening to your heart and listening to your mind. First of all they are in different parts of your body (obviously). Secondly, they probably require different powers.
However, they are also probably similar in so many ways because they are both important to listen to no matter what. They also work in harmony together. Here we’re focusing on listening to and following the the heart because it’s like following your gut instincts. People always say to trust your gut instinct because it’s usually right. Your heart is a powerful weapon so use it without abusing its power. It can never (for the most part) lead you astray. It’s the combination of that and not listening to people telling you what to do with your life. Your life is yours and follow your heart, it knows the way, even if you get lost along the way.

I wrote this after saw the movie, “Listen to Your Heart,” which I still highly recommend for those who are into those types of movies. I hope this helps people in their quest to find the things they love doing, those things that they are passionate about and listening to their heart no matter what. As Taylor Swift says “I shake it off.”

Listening to Your Heart

You can’t listen to the

Voices in your head.

They are wrong and

They will make you

Steer off track and

Off tune. Open your

Heart and listen to it.

It will lead you to

The right song and

Right tune. You’ll be

Tuned into the right

Station. If you keep

What’s in here, in your

Heart, there are

Possibilities. Sometimes

It just takes one song

To lead you in the right

Direction and towards

Your dreams, something

You were always meant

To do.

P.S. Just as a side note, some of these are older poems and some of them are newer ones. Bear in mind they may need changes (and that I may make some edits to them as I go on with this blog).