Let It All Out

There are days when we are feeling so much on the inside that we need to let it out. I know that because I have those days too. If we keep things in for too long, they will become what we call “bottled up” emotions and feelings. Keeping things bottled up is not always healthy. That is why something like kickboxing or maybe screaming into your pillow or writing in a journal or diary or having a good cry is a good thing. There is one thing that I do that helps and that is to keep a notebook. This quote explains why. “Buy a notebook. Write down what you want. Write about what hurts you. Show it to someone you love. Save it for your children. Burn it in your back yard. Either way, go to bed knowing that in some way, those things are out of you.” There are productive ways of letting things out like I mentioned above and there are unproductive ways of letting things out. I am not saying that there is any right way to let things out, but there are ways to let things out that do not help anybody, including yourself. Things like punching a wall or getting in trouble with the law or physically hurting yourself or others does not help at all. If you feel like you need to do those things do something else to keep your mind off it or seek help from professionals and/or family members and/or friends. Something as simple as talking things out also helps.

However, there are also things that should not be let out. That brings me to this quote. Nick Burd says “Let it all out. If only I could. Letting it all out would involve me exploding like a firework, a beautiful riot of rainbow sparks bouncing around the car and lighting up the entire lot.” So like I said there are some things that should and should not be let out. It is just how things work. This is one of my shorter posts, not because it is not important but because that concludes all that needs to be said about this subject matter. I strongly encourage my readers to let it all out in a productive way. That leads me to the last quote of this post. “If you don’t let it out, you’re going to let it eat you away.” So let it out because otherwise it will all just sit and fester into something much worse later down the road. On that note, I hope that you all enjoyed this one. Happy reading!!

Let It All Out

I cannot live in a lifetime of sin and
Disappointment. I just simply want to
Hang off the ledge. I take my hand
And want to ram it into the wall. If you
Look at me like I am psycho or crazy
I do not really care because I am tired
Of being the sane one. I want the hazy
Fog to disappear. I want to get fired
Up and scream it all out until I collapse.
I want to cry until there are no more
Tears left. Maybe then the gaps
And hiccups will be gone. The door
Remains where it is. All I have to is
Step through its frame and be done.
For once I just want things to fizz
And fade out. I know that I still won.

Making Choices and Decisions

There is a point in our lives where we have to make choices and decisions, especially really difficult ones. I do not know about my readers, but I am one of those people who can be indecisive, especially when they are put on the spot with questions like “What do you want to eat?” or “Where do you want to go?” Questions like those are hard for me, especially if someone else is asking me. I even just have a hard time making decisions or choices on my own. I know those seem like trivial questions, especially when there are way more difficult choices or decision to make. Sometimes choices and decisions have to be made about people as well. Questions like “Do I want this person to continue to be a part of my life?” or “Should I just walk away?” Those are harder choices to make. Every day there is a choice or decision to be made. We have to do our best to stick with them, no matter how hard or difficult they are. We all know the answers deep within and that voice is something you should listen to. We have all made choices or decisions about the people we want to be, who we want to surround ourselves with, what we want to do for work and for “romantic” relationships/partners. I am going to put a quote right here, which my friend BreAnna has shared too as she had to make a hard decision about leaving her job. “Decisions are the hardest thing to make, especially when it is a choice between where you should be and where you want to be.” That is part of the reason why they are so hard, especially if it is something you have always wanted to or who you always wanted to end up with, etc.

Some people may ask “What should I do when I have to make a hard choice or decision?” There is simply no right or wrong answer to this because every person or situation varies. Sometimes it is easier to ask someone else for help, but sometimes we want to be a grown up and figure it out for ourselves. I know this seems pretty basic, but sometimes you flip a coin. This quote explains why. “When you need to make a hard decision, flip a coin. Why? Because when that coin is in the air you suddenly know what you’re hoping for.” So flipping a coin is not necessarily to make the decision or choice, but you will know the answer when it is up in the air. I also think that there is a 50/50 chance of something happening, hence the coin. I think the very reason why people do not want to make choices or decisions is because sometimes we want others to make them for us. It just happens that way because we like some control, but not always a lot if that makes sense.

Sometimes it feels like we will make a bad decision or choice no matter what we do. Like I said before we have to make a choice or decision and stick with it. That brings me too my next quote by Doe Zantamata, who is another one of my heroes. She says. “Decisions. We can think about things, turn them over in our minds a million times, play out possible scenarios, but really when it comes down to it, you have to go with your heart and move forward. Maybe things will go well. Maybe they’ll turn out poorly. Every decision brings with it some good, some bad, some lessons, and some luck. The only thing that’s for sure is that indecision steals many years from many people who wind up wishing they’d just had the courage to leap.” Maybe deep down that is what is so hard about making decisions because like I have said before it feels like we make a wrong decision or choice, but it is better to make one and stick with it rather that just not making any choices or decisions whatsoever. In other words it is better trying and making mistakes rather than not trying at all. That is just the way life goes.

Here is to all my readers as you all make decisions and choices. I am right there with you and I know how hard it is. Happy reading. P.S. When I posted this poem on DUP, I got some of the best advice. That is and I quote “My Father used to say, ‘When in doubt, wait.’ Sometimes waiting is the next thing to do.” I have to agree with that advice. That goes for any situation. Wait it out because sometimes you do not want to make a choice or decision based what you feel in the moment. You have to make your choices and decisions because it is your life. That is a part of being an adult and being happy. It is all about making decisions and sticking with them. You should love your decisions and choices. So I am going to conclude this post with another quote. “The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.” So in other words, go ahead and make those decisions while being happy about them, then you do not need other people’s approval. Like I said, I am right here for you as you make these sometimes life-altering decisions and choices.

Coming to a Decision

It feels like I will make a wrong decision no matter
What I do. I turn one way and it is my future staring
Me right in the face. When I turn to see the splatter
Of tears, rain and a brewing storm tearing
Across the sky the other way, I am caught right in
The middle. For once I do not know what to do
Or maybe I do know in my heart and under my skin
That I have to make some kind of choice. It is you
Or without you because there is no in between
When you have a spot, but I cannot let you stop
Me from moving on. Life is always a moving screen
And door. Darling, I wish that I could drop
Everything now, but something is keeping me
In place. Maybe it is because we have tried for far
Too long or maybe there is still some hope I see
For a future. I wish I could look to the North Star
So it can point me in the right direction, but
It is all left up to me. Everything might just blow
Up. I hate being stuck in this situation and rut
When I simply do not know where to go
When it comes down to you. I need to find
A solid answer, but something may get left behind.

Losing Friendship

I know that I have talked a lot about this already, but we have all lost something or someone at some point. There is a big chance we lose something as important as a friendship. Maybe you have a difference of opinions or maybe they were never your friend to begin with or the friendship simply fades over time. For one of the first times in my life I lost an important friendship and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. I will not go into details too much, but let us just say that is a friendship that could be lost forever. I am sorry for how it happened, but in hindsight I could see it coming from a mile away. I know that losing a friendship can be unexpected, but as time goes on it is bound to happen at some point as this quote says. Xzavier Zulu says, “Slowly as the years go on, you lose friends you never thought you would.” Trust me, it can be hard to lose something like that.

I am not here to bash anyone because I am not like that, but sometimes you can gain a friendship just as quickly as you can lose one. That is what I found within this quote. “You can gain a friend in a year but lose a friend in a minute.” In other words, you can lose a good friend just like that. Sometimes you can gain a good friend in the process too. For example, I lost a good friendship, but I became closer to my mom and other people in the meanwhile. I feel like friendship is a very important thing to talk about because without good friends I do not think that I would be here. I hate to be harsh, but I feel like a friend should support you no matter what and if they cannot support you or at least try to then they should not be your friend to begin with. I feel like that you should be making your own decisions and choices while living your life, but try not to let your friends “control” or dictate how you live your life.

So here is to losing friendship, but do not be too down or sad about it because you just have to pick yourself up and move on. There are many more friendships down the line and for the most part they may be better than other ones you have had. What I am saying in all of this is that if they are “toxic” or “bad” or really question and always pick apart your choices then they really are not your friend. Just be thankful for the strong friendships you already have. Be glad for those that have endured over time, no matter of the wear and tear. Do not lose sleep over the lost and ends to friendships. No pun intended. There is an overall lesson to be learned. Enjoy this poem!! Just a side note here… my intention is not to intentionally hurt anyone, but to shine a light, some truth and some insight, even when it may not always come from a good place. I just want to apologize if anybody takes offense to this post. It was not my intention to do so.

End to a Friendship
I could feel us beginning to drift apart
Like cars going in opposite directions
Down the freeway. I knew in my heart
When we could not overcome corrections
To fix our friendship, which was already
On the brink. Something that used to
Bring us together was becoming unsteady
And separating us. Maye you also knew
That all of this was coming to an end.
You are not on my side anymore and
I have to realize you are not a good friend.
Don’t you want to see me happy? We stand
On other sides of the spectrum now.
I still wish you the best because there are
No hard feelings, but I am sad this is how
We ended up. There is going to be a scar
Where you used to be. Now one of my
Closest friendships has died and faded out.
There is no way to give this all another try
Because that was the last and final strikeout.

Memories and Moments

Life… I feel like it is all made of memories and moments. One thing I think of to represent this would be a kaleidoscope. We do our best to try to hang onto them because after a while they sometimes disappear forever. I am someone who loves taking pictures for at least a couple of reasons. I want to remember those moments/memories because I am one of those people who have a good long term memory, but a terrible short term memory, partially because of my LD. Sometimes people have to tell me something at least three times before it sets in and on the other hand, I can remember something that happened years ago. I also love taking photos just because and I love taking pictures. I do remember something my brother said to me before I took a trip to Budapest when I was in college. I was so excited to be in Budapest and taking tons of pictures. He said something I can never forget. I do not remember word for word what he said, but he said something like “Forget about taking pictures and just soak it all in. Enjoy being there.” It really is true because sometimes taking it all in and experiencing all of those things gives you memories to last a lifetime. In fact, that brings me to this quote by Cesare Pavese. “We do not remember days, we remember moments.” It is so true how we remember moments as well as memories.

Moments, as well as memories are precious and super special, especially when they are with at least one special person. In fact, sometimes they are downright one of the best things in the world, especially when you are looking back on the memories and they bring a smile to your face. This brings me to this quote. “The best things in life are the people you love, the places you go, and the memories you make.” It is true that you make memories and moments. It is also true that we have bad memories and moments, but we should not focus too much on those although those taught us something as well. I included both memories and moments in this post because they are pretty much the same things, but they can be slightly different. Memories I feel like are something to look back on while moments can sometimes be right now, in the present, like present moments for example. Sometimes you cannot help, but crave them with the right person or people. This post is extra special to me, so I included a couple of poems. Hang strong, my readers and I hope you all remember the good memories/moments in life before they are gone. The truth is that you sometimes have to let them go too. Enjoy!!

Craving Those Moments

In this moment, I know that I cannot leave
You behind, no matter how difficult it all
Gets. It is in those moments when you grieve
That I really see and feel you. When you crawl
Into that hole, I am right behind you. I give
You my shoulder for you to lean on because
I am your pillar. Darling, I always try to live
For those moments when life is always abuzz.
We get to shut out the silence and sadness
That threatens to spill in between the cracks.
It is when the world is filled with madness
And craziness that I crave life’s quiet climax.
I want those moments of solitude with you
And nobody else. You keep me level headed,
Calm and stable when nobody else can. Barely two
Years of this but I cannot get used to our threaded
Hands and palms fast enough. Our hearts are deeply
Intertwined and connected. Please just say
That you will always find a way to keep me
Because that is all I want and we meet halfway.

Summer Memories With You

You were my summer – full of sunlight,
Smiles, laughter, easiness, being able
To relax, and forgetting about those
Fall and winter days. Then the weather
Got colder and you were gone like the sun
Disappearing behind the clouds.
I wish I could keep those moments
Snuggling up with you until the sun rises
Close to my heart, but you probably
Already forgot about me. You are
Probably making some new memories
With some other girl. I hope she gets
To know all those things deep down
Inside of you that you told me when
You could not fall asleep. I hope that
She gets to hear your laughter and
Your singing voice that I was entranced
With. I hope that she gets to hold your
Hand when she needs comfort like I did.
I hope that she holds onto you tight
Like I tried to do. She does not want to
Lose you because you mean everything
To her like you once did for me.
You were my good summer memories.

Love of the Darkness

I know that I have talked about the combination of the light and darkness, but in this post I am only focusing on the darkness. I know we always want to talk about the light because we all have light and it lets us focus on something we can see. I love the light, but sometimes I like the darkness too. I am probably not alone in that sentiment. I know a lot of people who love the darkness in particular. There is a word for it and that is “nyctophile” which literally means “a person who loves night, darkness.” There is also “nyctophilia” which is defined as “love of darkness or night. Finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness.” Like I have said, I know people who are like that. There is nothing wrong with the darkness because it teaches us something and we learn more about ourselves in the darkness. I am not saying the light is less important that the darkness, but in the darkness we really learn who is there for us and teaches us good lessons.

When people think of darkness, they usually think of something bad, but darkness can be something good as well. In other words, darkness has a bad stigma attached to it. I love the darkness myself because it can be soothing sometimes and I can also see the stars. I am a person who loves the stars so much and maybe I will talk about it in a different post. We love the light for a particular reason and we love the darkness for a particular reason as well. One of those reasons is talked about in this quote by Og Mandino and it is one of my favorite quotes as well. “I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.” We can see the darkness emerge from other people, but it can also come from ourselves. Sometimes we have an irrational fear of the unknown, which is what the darkness sometimes represents. In other words, we know the light so well, but the darkness is the unknown or unfamiliar.

Although darkness can be terrifying, I think that there is something beautiful and amazing that comes from the darkness. That leads me into this quote. “Normal people have no idea how beautiful the darkness is.” Even people who are good are drawn to the darkness and there is nothing wrong with that. That leads me into another quote, which I think came from “The Vampire Diaries” TV show. One of the characters Klaus says it. “Don’t underestimate the allure of darkness. Even the purest of hearts are drawn to it.” In other words, we should never underestimate the power darkness can sometimes have because even the people who have the purest and good intentions can be drawn to it. I think we all have this part within us that are drawn to the darkness and we cannot stop. The darkness helps us see at least a couple of things we would never see otherwise like the stars, for example like I have talked about before. It also shows a part of us that we would never see otherwise.

I want to conclude this post by saying that darkness can have some power, but we cannot let it completely control us because that will take us down a different path. That is a path we sometimes do not want to go down. Sometimes you have to learn to embrace at least some darkness because we would not be here if there was no darkness whatsoever. Think about it this way… where would the stars be without darkness? If we had no darkness there would be no night and certainly no sleep although there are some people who probably do not sleep at all.  I hope my readers, especially those who are afraid of the darkness, learn to love the darkness at least a little bit. It can become your friend and teacher. Enjoy!!

Love of the Dark

Darkness, coming from the shadows
And depths. Like dark ocean water going
Over your head. You are without clothes
Or something to protect you. It is showing
You something about yourself you would
Never see or notice in the light. It is a mirror,
It reflects all of the bad, ugly and good
Parts of yourself. It is murky, but is clearer
Like the dark and starry sky above you
When you lie down on the soft grass.
You begin to lose the brightness and blue
Sky but you get a look through the glass.
It is for the people who are fearless, brave
And not afraid of anything or anyone, not
Even the demons. Do not let it enslave
You or let it become something that brought
You down to your knees and a prayer.
It is more than a simple and cold touch.
Darkness is everything that is threadbare,
Warm and worn out. It is not a crutch.

Deep Kind of Love

I have been a big fan of the water and we will talk about that in another post some other time. I want to talk about that deep water metaphor thing right here. I know that I have talked about deep emotions, whether it is love or something else. I also know that I have talked about being in love at least once. Love, just like any other emotion or feeling is deep or complicated or both of those things. Together, can be a deep complicated mess and yes, I just made that up. I crave to be around people who love deep and hard. Why? Because I am like that person too. Lao Tzu says that “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” I think that deep type of love is scary and terrifying, but sometimes you just have to dive right in because if you will not do that, who else would?

We all have parts of ourselves that are hidden and below the surface. Like I said you just have to dive deep. That brings me to my next quote which explains what I have been talking about. “Everyone is deep but most are afraid to dive.” Some of the best things, including love, are wonderful and amazing. I want to talk about the other end of the spectrum, being in the shallow end. Those types of things are right on the surface or easy to find. There is nothing wrong with people who are in the shallow end, but those people are the ones who area afraid to go deeper. You have to make that decision for yourself in what end you want to be in because sometimes you cannot be in both, especially at the same time. Christopher Reeve says that in this quote. “Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean.” Sometimes there is a difference between the two.

I conclude this post by strongly encouraging my readers to think about those two different versions of love. It is either that type of love that is deep or is a type of love that is shallow and not so deep. There is nothing wrong with choosing one or the other. I will leave that decision up to you, but I would strongly encourage to go for the deep type of love because it could last longer and does always leave you so empty. It is good to have someone you can have deep conversations with. Shallowness is not always appealing and does not always leave you satisfied, but that is just my own personal opinion. Whatever you decide, stick with it and enjoy the ride. May you find the love you always wanted to have. Deepness almost always gives you that connection, which is what life is about. Since there is a lot to be said about this topic, I will include 2 different pieces. Just a side note that Deepness, Part II is a working title because I wrote a poem for Part I, but Part II is a rework of the original piece. I will let the pieces speak for themselves. I know that there is so much more I can say about this subject matter, but that about does it for now. Cheers.

Deep Love

Any other girl could begging for your attention,
But you only want and have mine.
You never even try to mention

Those before me because you only intertwine
Our hands and hearts together, but
It was never with theirs. I try to trust the sign

That we are finally out of this deep rut,
But people will always try to follow
And tear us apart. We shut

Out those who do anything to hollow
Us out. They never dive deep
And only play around in the shallow

End. The love and willingness will seep
Through more than the doubts ever will.
We must always try to keep

A firm grip on a future that will fill
With happiness and hope for raising
A family together. We have things that are still

Within reach. Life can turn out to be amazing
With the right person while the wrong people just
Fade away. Everything around us will be blazing.

Deepness, Part II

I want deep and long conversations at 2 AM. Random drives
At night, blasting the music when we cannot go to sleep.
Darling, put away your sharp instruments and knifes.

You have a kind of love and connection that I want to keep
Around forever. I know that life gets dull and boring, but
I want to spend time lying under the sky, getting a peep

Of the real you. I want to know what you see when you shut
Your eyes and picture your life. I want to know every dream
And fear you hold onto. Darling, I hope that when you put

Out your hand you would trust me with it. Your stream
Of thoughts and ideas are safe. I am not the one to judge
You, but together I hope that we will become a team

And trust each other. Do not wash away the smudge
Or freckle because it shows that you have imperfections.
We are moving on ahead with a small push and nudge.

People might think we are moving in opposite directions
When we know we are both going exactly the same way.
We know that we can be perfect and mirror reflections

Of each other or darling, we will find a way to stay
Different. Life is no longer on a stage or in a play.

Old Drama

Remember when I talked way back when about leaving things behind? Well… one of those things that we have to leave behind is old drama. I do not know about you all, but I got teased relentlessly throughout middle school and high school. Those people who teased me, I do not associate myself with them anymore or at least I try not to. The worst thing is that they pretend to be your friend and do not remember that they treated you terribly back then. Yes, I am a person who loves drama, but that only comes in the form of theatre and performance drama. Trust me, I have dealt with drama, especially coming from a huge family, especially on my mom’s side. Someone is always talking about someone or not speaking to someone or spreading rumors. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Sounds like high school all over again. Please, I know we are back in high school with this bullshit, pardon my language. Two things I will not tolerate; those are fake people and old drama.

That brings me into my next point of combing the two. I do not have the time, nor the patience to be dealing with those kinds of people. That brings me to this…which is best explained in this quote. “Sometimes those who don’t socialize much aren’t anti-social, they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.” The worst assumption that people can make about me and people who are very similar in this regard is that we are anti-social. We still deal with people, just not those who are trying to bring us down and I will take more about the type of people we should be around in a different post…later down the road. That is why I only associate myself with some people from school, especially middle school and high school. That brings me into my next quote. “Drama just does not just walk into your life. Either you create it, invite it, or associate it.” In other words, do not let drama come into your life. It will give you headaches and things you do not want in the long run.

I know that I keep telling people this, but walk away. However, this time I am saying to walk away from drama. You should never try to associate yourself with drama. That brings me into my next quote which says “Real people avoid drama. They know their time is too precious. and choose not to waste it on unimportant people.” Sometimes I should take my own advice. Do not walk right into drama either. Those people who create drama thrive off of it, so do not give them that satisfaction. I just wanted to thank an old friend of mine from middle school, Ms. Sareena, who inspired this poem. You taught me a valuable lesson of never entertaining or being fooled by old drama. The best thing to do is to extend an olive branch and forgive. However, if they do not take it and want to bring up old drama, then walk away. Keep walking and never look back. I hate to be harsh, but those people do not deserve to be in your life. Cheers and remember that you should try to live your life as drama free as possible.

Leave the Drama Behind

Do not be fooled by the old
Drama and by people who think
They know you. They acted cold
Towards you while they wink
At you now, thinking that you are still
Friends. Darling, they are dumb
Enough to want to catch up and fill
The space with stories, but some
People never change. They want
The gossip and the latest scoop,
Not knowing that every taunt
Still echoes. Go ahead and snoop
Because you have nothing to hide.
In fact you have been way more
Successful while they want to ride
With you to the top. They swore
To be your friend, but they
Have become masters at telling
Lies. Never let them get their way
And become manipulators. Swelling
With pride is their way of being
Secretly envious. They want your
Life because they are finally seeing
They are going nowhere fast. Before
You let them watch you fail, succeed
So hard that they have to doubt
Themselves. You will find no need
To satisfy them. Their drought
Is your garden, watered with hunger
And motivation to live above
The drama. You are not any younger,
Living in a world lacking love
And respect because those people
Will still love you, but you also find
Forgiveness under the same steeple.
Leave the hurt and scars behind
Where they belong. Right their
Wrongs even when they are
Far from being sorry. Clear the air
And leave it at that. Be a bright star.

Being a Second Choice and Backup Plan

I know that I have not posted for a while and I want to apologize for that. Anyways…I want to start off by talking about why this post topic is important because it is not as simple as it sounds and it is definitely a lesson we can all learn. Let me start off by talking about where I got this idea from. When I was an undergraduate at McDaniel College I was in an on and off “relationship” with this guy for about 1 to 2 years or so. To be honest, I was relieved when it was all over. The point is that while this guy and I were in this so called “relationship” or whatever you want to call it, he was always constantly choosing himself, as well as other people and things over me. He was pretty much making me his second choice and backup plan. It sucked because I wanted to mean something as much as he did to me, but it did not work out that way. This is going to sound harsh, but that was his choice and decision. He was making no effort to make me his priority and that hurt a lot. After that kind of relationship happened I promised myself to never try to put myself in that kind of situation ever again because it was not worth it. It taught me to never force someone to make that choice.

The whole point of all of this is to say that you should never settle to be someone’s second choice or backup plan. I just want to tell everyone that we are worth way more than that. That just does not regard a romantic or traditional relationship, but for friends as well as family and other types of relationships. Consider this following quote as a mantra to remember and it can last you a lifetime, I can guarantee that. “I’m not a backup plan, and definitely not a second choice.” I want my readers to remember that because being someone’s back up plan or second choice is not a good feeling at all. In fact, sometimes it hurts more when you do not even become someone’s choice to begin with. Do not take it personally because it is on them and not on you. In other words, there is nothing more you can do and you deserve to be someone’s priority, no matter what.

In fact here is a quote to explain what you should do if someone ever starts treating you that way. “When someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation. It’s that simple.” That is going to sound harsh, I know, but you sometimes have to do it. I get it if it something reasonable, but if they always treat you like an option and a choice then you have to walk away. You have to take yourself out of the situation, no matter how much it hurts to do so. That is what I strongly conclude to my readers… walk away if they start treating you that way. It is a survival mechanism and works in the long run. It is good for your own health so that you do not have to constantly worry about them and you at the same time. They have issues to sort through and you all should leave it at that. Hang in there and realize that I am right there with you. Just a side note…this poem implies a romantic type of relationship, but it can be used for almost any situation you find yourself in.

Her Over Me

You did not choose me because you always
Chose her or someone else over me. Maybe
Our stolen moments and your secret gaze
At me were not enough for us. When you see
Her instead of me, it hurts more than it should.
I thought we had something special, but the daggers
And harsh words came out instead of the good
Ones. The big and revealing truth staggers
Instead of standing up straight. I hated you for
The way you made me feel. It was like we had
A chance, but it was ruined. It was your
Lies and dishonesty that made me really mad
Like a thunderstorm. I could no longer stand
To look at you because everything came back.
I wanted something more than holding hands
And secrets. Darling, I wanted to black
Out and forget it all like none of it never
Happened. You always make it look so easy,
By pulling the trigger, plug and lever
On all we had. How can you not be so queasy?
But I guess you never really cared about me after
All so it was a simple solution. I never got
To see your smile or hear your laughter
And the reality is that you never once thought
To fight for me every single day while I was so
Wrapped up in you. I had to watch everything go.

Showing Support/Lifting Others Up

Ever heard of that expression, “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps?” Well… I am going to be talking about that in this blog post. I do not even know where that saying originated from. I know that some, if not all of us, should pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, but a lot of us need other people to do that for us as well. It does not show weakness or giving up. It shows more than that and that would be having others help us up or in other words having people reach out a helping hand. I do not know how others feel about it, but I appreciate people who support as well as motivate and push me to be better. This brings me to this quote I found by Charles M. Marcus. He says “Surround yourself with people who are going to motivate and inspire you.” I know that I have talked about how we all go through times when we struggle, but the truth is that we, for the most part, have people who help us get through those hard times. Those are the people who help us smile, laugh and wipe away at least some of our tears.

For some of us that might be family members or a really good and best friend. For some of us it could be a counselor or mentor or a significant other. For a lot of us it could be a whole mix of those and for those of us who have that kind of person or multiple people, I say that we are lucky. For some other people, they are not as lucky and I truly feel sorry for those people. For some people, they have that “special” person, but that “special” person may not realize that they are that type of person. That really does not matter. What it matters is how much they support you and become that rock/solid foundation for you, especially when things in life become crazy/unstable. Those are people who help us live life. That is why I try to avoid people who are negative. They only try to bring you down. That brings me into my next quote about being around successful people. “Successful people build each other up. They motivate, inspire, and push each other. Unsuccessful people just hate, blame, and complain.” That is why I try to surround myself with good people/people who are going somewhere. Yeah, you may have some people who may not be going anywhere, but that is because they are temporarily stuck. Know the difference between those people and those people who never want to get unstuck or out of that situation.

I just want to thank those people in my life as well as those people who play a significant part in other people’s lives because we would not be where we are without them there supporting us every step of the way. No matter what life throws our way, we hang onto people and as unexpected as they may be, they are still there. This brings me to a quote I have come to appreciate and love a lot more. “There will be storms, child, there will be storms. And with each tempest, you will seem to stand alone against cruel winds; but with time, the rage and fury shall subside. And when the sky clears, you will find yourself clinging to someone, you would have never known, but for storms.” In other words, sometimes storms bring us those kinds of people who end up meaning the world to us. All we can do is to hold onto those people tight. Since this post is a topic I have a strong interest in, I am including at least a couple of pieces here.

Helping Hand

Reach your hand out and I will pull you up
By the bootstraps. When think that your cup
Is half way empty, I will fill it back to the top.
When your life is coming to a dead stop
And red light, it is turning green again.
When you are tired because the rain
And storm keeps coming, just pause for
A moment so I can catch up when the door
Closes. You do not need to thank me because
In all those times when I could not get my jaws
To work to form words or good thoughts
You were there to untangle the knots
And have everything running smoothly
Again. Darling, you are always going to truly
Be my guardian angel when I am your rock.
I know that you are not the one to mock
My insecurities because you have some of
Your own. It when you showed me what love
Really was, being there for someone else and
Being there for yourself too no matter if the sand
Tries to sink you down with it. I always made
That promise to uplift you when you felt weighed
Down. I promised to show support and grace
Even when you did not deserve it. Your face
Is the one I picture seeing for the rest of our days,
Forever. I will walk with you through the maze.

When Life Is a Storm

Life was beginning to blow over and was falling apart.
It is when some higher power was leading me right to
You in the middle of it all. The darkness in your heart
Was outweighed heavily by the storm around you.

You did not want to let anybody in because of all that
You were going through, but I was continuously
Changing your mind. You wanted to give up and flat
Line, but I got you back to living. I got you seriously
Thinking about life again. Darling, it is not always about
The clouds and the storms, but how we get through them
Even on a good day. It was during every single blowout
When you held onto me. I was your constant steady drum.

It was the laugh, the smile, and kind words that you said
Saved you. It was during the rain that you said I was
Your rock. I was your breath of fresh air when you bled
Out all over the floor right below us. It was because
Of the times when life’s storm threw you hard
That I got to truly know you and you became my lucky card.

Growing Up

Growing up…something that is terrifying to think about because when we used to be kids we wanted to be a grown up and when you grow up all you want to do is to be a kid again. For some reason it just happens that way because sometimes we want the opposite. However, some of us can still try to be kids on the inside. There is a quote I want to throw in here, which is super deep and meaningful by the way. “Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Race issues were who ran the fastest, war was only a card game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up.” Sometimes we don’t have to grow up that quickly. Anyways, there are certain situations and things we go through that make us grow up, sometimes rather quickly. For me that situation came when I applied for college and decided to attend college outside of California. People took one look at me and thought I was crazy, but also courageous. I made that decision because I was ready for change and that is a part of growing up. Sometimes as we grow up we are ready for different things, places and people. That is also a part of growing up.

During those days of college I learned a lot about myself and was for the most part, able to make my own decisions. I made the choices who I made friends with, what classes I took, etc. I was learning how to be financially stable which is still a struggle, but I am learning. A lot of those things in my mind are all a part of growing up. That certain situation might be different for someone else. That is also a time where you find out who you are and what you want because that could have been different from the time when you were younger. A part of growing up is sometimes doing things you did not do before or losing people you were once close too. In other words, we outgrow those things and people. I want to thank those of you who have been there while I have been growing because they have never left my side. I even want to thank those who left me too because those people taught me a lot. That brings me into my next quote. “Whether you pushed me or pulled me, drained me or fueled me, loved me or left me, hurt me or helped me, you are a part of my growth and no kidding, I ‘thank you’!” You all are really a part of my growth, no matter what.

Another time that made me grow up was simply going from a girl to a woman and that was also when I turned 21 when I was in college. We go through all those changes when we grow up and although I am now past 21, it still feels like I am growing up every day. I do not think that growing up phase ever truly goes away. Someone may want to argue with me about that, but it is whatever. When you grow up you lose things, but growing up also may mean to keep some things and to also gain things. In addition to growing up we also grow, which is pretty much the same thing as growing up. It is just without the up part. We let things grow and blossom. I want to include this quote because it all the things we go through growing up. “As you grow up, your priorities change, nights out are swapped for nights in, your circle gets smaller and games, drama, and partying every weekend just aren’t fun anymore. You get to a point where it’s quality over quantity, like your your career, your relationships, your family and YOU! You want quality now. Something that’s yours, something real, something you can grow, something you’re proud of. As you grow up, you want a future, not just a for now. As you grow up things change, YOU change… and you start to like it that way.” This poem I included is a reminder for all of my readers that it is okay to grow/grow up because all things and people grow up, whether it is plants, people, feelings, etc.

Growing Up Into a Woman

Darling, I hope that you dry your tears
That you cry when you go to sleep at night.
Believe you are stronger than your fears
And that you are still the endless light
That glows. You are no longer that little girl,
But you are still a fighter and growing up
To become something more than a pearl.
You never lost your ability to see that the cup
Is still half way full. You are a good woman with
Optimism, magic and hope at your fingertips.
You have to be more than that fable, myth
And fairy tale. You write your own scripts
And stories. You are someone’s wonder
And super woman, but you do not belong to
Them. You may trip, but you never slip under
Because you are someone who is always true.